I came to the conclusion earlier that I am a bitch. I'm trying to figure out when all this happened. When did I become a bitch? I know I wasn't always like this. I used to be nice, and caring, and respectful. In fact, I think maybe I was too nice. I sacrificed myself just to make those around me happy, even though it was killing me on the inside.
Whenever I'm with my boyfriend and I get sad about anything, from having to leave to feeling like I let him down, I turn away from him and curl up into a ball. And I do this every time, even though I know it hurts him. I know he cares about me. It's like it has become my way of saying, "Hey, guess what? I'm not happy. Now, guess why." And every time this happens, he freaks out. He immediately blames himself, even though in reality it's rarely, if not never, him. He spazzes out, sometimes almost in tears, trying to get me to talk about what's wrong. Seeing him care about me like that, seeing tears in his eyes, then gets me crying. No one's ever cared about me like that. I love him more than anything. And seeing him like that makes me feel horrible. Or like when I feel unhappy and I allow it to show openly on my face. I feel like I should suck it up, and hold it deep within. I know it'll make him worried and maybe even sad. I should just keep it in. I can deal with it later, when I'm at home, alone. I should enjoy the time I have with him; savor every second, not spend it sad and trying to explain to him why I feel that way or why I don't know why I feel the way I do.
I feel like this makes me a bitch. That I allow my emotions to be read so easily because I like him holding me and telling me everything will be okay. I want him to be happy, but I feel like I drag him down with my mood whenever I'm with him.
-who ever you want me to be-