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Unlucky Angel

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(no subject) [Sep. 19th, 2004|02:29 pm]
Unlucky Angel
[My Mood |hopefulhopeful]
[My Music |My Own Worst Enemy]

Where is he?
He should be here by now. Or at least have called.

-Who ever you want me to be-
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Brand New Day [Sep. 9th, 2004|11:13 pm]
Unlucky Angel
[My Mood |crushedcrushed]
[My Music |The Daily Show]

I'm thinking about discontinuing this journal. I simply don't have the time to post.

Or perhaps I'll just delete my posts, clear my friends-list. Just start afresh, you know?

I just want a clean start. No limitations, no expectations, no other "-ations". Just something new. I'm finding I want that a lot now. I just want to cash in this life for another. I want to be outgoing, beautiful, funny, smart, the whole nine. Instead of me. I want to be someone who people will remember after graduation. I don't want to be "that girl in my English class".

That's why I'm so eager to finish highschool. That's "when your life really begins". Whenever I think post highschool, I always imagine myself happy. I think I'll be devastated if I turn out like I am now. I always picture myself more mature; more at ease with myself.

In case you haven't realized from my writing, I'm depressed right now. Don't worry, it'll pass. I just wish I knew when. It makes him uncomfortable. He blames himself. I wish I could tell him, it's me. It really is. That right now, he's the only thing that makes me happy, even if it's just for a short while.

This was bound to happen. I've dated him for awhile. It should've come numerous times in that period. But it didn't. This one will last for awhile. It's a build-up. I need to fix it. Stop this.

It's late. I have school tomorrow. I should go.

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(no subject) [Aug. 12th, 2004|12:29 pm]
Unlucky Angel
[My Mood |cheerfulcheerful]
[My Music |It's My Life]

Hah. The silences remain. You have no idea how much this amuses me. Lmao. After all this time, they still emerge over that wire. But it's his fault too. I know that now. Lalalalala.
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(no subject) [Jul. 27th, 2004|06:53 pm]
Unlucky Angel
[My Mood |sadInadequate]
[My Music |Feelin Way Too Damn Good]

He keeps looking at pictures of her; that bimbo bitch popstar. I know he wishes I looked like her. Beautiful, big boobs, the whole nine yards. But, I'm not. I'm just.... average. He says when he looks at those girls, he pictures my head on their bodies. It just feeds my belief he wants me to be like that. But I can't. At least not without major surgery. Does he really want that? When he sees them, he pictures my head. But when he sees me, does he picture their bodies?
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(no subject) [Jul. 27th, 2004|06:42 pm]
Unlucky Angel
[My Mood |distresseddistressed]
[My Music |Mah Baby's here]

Even though he knows my fears, I'm still afraid.
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(no subject) [Jul. 26th, 2004|11:04 pm]
Unlucky Angel
[My Mood |bitchybitchy]
[My Music |My Happy Ending]

Am I the only one who can't stand that idiotic song "Leave (Get out)" by JoJo. I mean not only is it stupid, it's gets stuck in my fucking head all day. UGH! In the song, she's like "...tell me that we're gonna be together always..." She's like fucking 13. She deserves to be fucking dumped for thinking he was THE fucking one. Plus, she dresses like some cheerleader-slut.

And yet girls flock to this song. It becomes their anthem; the battle cry of the brain dead. What ever happened to bitchy, "Fuck you, you little jackass prick!" songs like "You Oughta Know," by Alanis Morissette? It gets the point acroos a lot better than some little "Go away", little pussy song.

You Oughta KnowCollapse )

-Who ever you want me to be-
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(no subject) [Jul. 26th, 2004|08:47 pm]
Unlucky Angel
[My Mood |relaxedrelaxed]
[My Music |The Otherside]

I know I've gone on about Rating Communities before. But, you know, I just can't help myself.

Do's & Don'ts for Applying in a Rating Community

DO  try to appear as slutty as possible. Licking your lips is an excellent way to achieve this look. And remember, the Redneck Trash look is always in.

DON'T  look into the camera or put the camera directly in front of you. Look up, down, or all around; just not at the camera.

DO  look like you're bored out of your mind. It makes you look angsty and that you couldn't care less whether you get in or not.

DO  have your hair hanging in your face. It makes you look mysterious and like you don't give a fuck what other people think, which is very useful in your effort to get in a community where all that matters is other people's opinion of your appearance.

DON'T  look too real. It's always a good idea to strive for the living barbie fantasy. The more plastic and frozen your expression is, the better.

DO  try to appear thoughtful by posting pictures with an artistic flare. Of course this in no way makes up for you being a dumbass in the first place by applying. Or if that fails, show off your boobs. It'll guarantee your acceptance.

 

-Who ever you want me to be-

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(no subject) [Jul. 25th, 2004|10:47 pm]
Unlucky Angel
[My Mood |bitchybitchy]
[My Music |Bitch]

I came to the conclusion earlier that I am a bitch. I'm trying to figure out when all this happened. When did I become a bitch? I know I wasn't always like this. I used to be nice, and caring, and respectful. In fact, I think maybe I was too nice. I sacrificed myself just to make those around me happy, even though it was killing me on the inside.

Whenever I'm with my boyfriend and I get sad about anything, from having to leave to feeling like I let him down, I turn away from him and curl up into a ball. And I do this every time, even though I know it hurts him. I know he cares about me. It's like it has become my way of saying, "Hey, guess what? I'm not happy. Now, guess why." And every time this happens, he freaks out. He immediately blames himself, even though in reality it's rarely, if not never, him. He spazzes out, sometimes almost in tears, trying to get me to talk about what's wrong. Seeing him care about me like that, seeing tears in his eyes, then gets me crying. No one's ever cared about me like that. I love him more than anything. And seeing him like that makes me feel horrible. Or like when I feel unhappy and I allow it to show openly on my face. I feel like I should suck it up, and hold it deep within. I know it'll make him worried and maybe even sad. I should just keep it in. I can deal with it later, when I'm at home, alone. I should enjoy the time I have with him; savor every second, not spend it sad and trying to explain to him why I feel that way or why I don't know why I feel the way I do.

I feel like this makes me a bitch. That I allow my emotions to be read so easily because I like him holding me and telling me everything will be okay. I want him to be happy, but I feel like I drag him down with my mood whenever I'm with him.

-who ever you want me to be-

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(no subject) [Jul. 16th, 2004|01:09 pm]
Unlucky Angel
[My Mood |contentcontent]
[My Music |I Love the 90's]

I'm working on this book/journal thing. I've been working on it since the beginning of the year. It's filled with drawings, random thoughts, pictures, and, obviously, journal entries. My friends always wanted to see it when they glimpsed me working on it. I got them off my back by saying "Oh. You can see it when I'm done." But the thing is, I don't want to show them. It just defeats the whole point of me doing- for myself. Some things in there are embarassing. Others, would piss people off. We'd "need to talk" after they read it. And I'd rather avoid all that.

But I think maybe I will let the people close to me read it. It's really hard for me to talk about how I feel. My mouth mutilates even the most simplest emotion my soul feels. I feel like maybe this is finally the chance for others to see the real me. Like now, I will finally have to talk about the things I usually avoid. I just don't know what they'll think.

-Whoever you want me to be-

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(no subject) [Jul. 8th, 2004|06:35 pm]
Unlucky Angel
[My Mood |predatorypredatory]
[My Music |Waiting for the Phone to Ring Again]

Should I ask him? Should I get what's on my mind off? I'm scared it will hurt him. Although now I'm fairly sure it won't. But I don't want to chance it. I feel like I've already asked enough. Medled too much into affairs of the past. I shouldn't. I know I shouldn't. But it cannot be helped. I want to know what happened. And today was spent trying to figure out. 90% of me wants to ask him. To talk it all out. But that fucking remaining part of me, is frightened like a small child. I don't like hruting people, I never have. When I was younger, I sacrificed my own feelings and needs for those around me. I don't want to do that anymore. But I sure as hell am not going to fuck with the feelings of those I care about, just to calm my own mental instability.

The demons that plague my mind, they can't be worse than hurting the one I love, can they?
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